Psychologists who study the process of self knowledge examine how people approach the question: “Who am I?” We think of the “self” as having several components. There is the actual self, the ideal self, the ought self, and the feared self as described below:
- Actual Self: who you are now, your personality, your physical self, your skills, your emotional and psychological habits and characteristics
- Ideal Self: who you would like to be – in the best of all possible worlds
- Ought Self: who you think you should be; who you believe others want or expect you to be
- Feared Self: who you fear you may become
You may feel that chronic pain challenges who you are. Since your pain began, you may have not felt like yourself, wondered who you are becoming, and worried about how you may treat or appear to others. This is not uncommon. Researchers have found that people with chronic pain are often very concerned about letting others down and about deterioration of physical, psychological, or emotional functioning. According to “Self Discrepancy Theory”, the more that you focus on discrepancies between the “actual” and the “ideal” and “ought” selves or dwell on the feared self, the worse you will feel.
Today I want to talk about the idea of the “feared self“. The feared self can cause a lot of trouble – lo
oming vaguely but menacingly in the future, a disaster waiting to strike. It is often useful to take a good look at the feared self that you may have created in your mind – without really being aware of it. To get started, it helps to think about how you might describe yourself now, with pain, across a number of basic characteristics. Then, take some time to try to put into words the person you fear you may become if your pain continues. I have shown an example below.
Example of Feared Self in Chronic Pain
Click here to open and print the Goalistics “Feared Self” Worksheet. Once you have identified the features of your feared self, it is often helpful to ask yourself the following questions about each aspect of your feared self:
- What is the evidence that I will actually become this way?
- What is the evidence that I will NOT become this way?
- Would the people who know me best agree that I am likely to become this way?
- What is a more realistic way to think about my future?
I hope this exercise will help you to identify any unrealistic fears that you may have created.
As of 10:58 AM MDT the link for the “feared self” worksheet is broken.
Just to let you know that the Goalistics “Feared Self” Worksheet is not available.
Hi Stella and Evan. Thanks for the heads up about the worksheet. It should be available now. It should open as a pdf in a separate window.
Interesting points. I’ve been dealing with, and writing about, chronic pain for a while now and have not seen anything like this. I think it has merit and will be forwarding this to some other chronic pain patients as well. Thank you for a thought provoking piece.
Thanks Tom!
The feared self can easily become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I tend to act how I feel – and I doubt that very many people are different. If I am angry at something, I will appear angry to others who may then wonder or think that I am angry at them. They withdraw – and I see their withdrawal without realizing why – and then I reinforce the “feared self”.
Dealing with chronic pain takes discipline in many different areas. Mental discipline can be the toughest to master and at the same time be the most important thing to master. Our brains are very powerful tools, and like all tools can be used for good of for ill. Because no “cure” for all chronic pain is in sight, maintaining a strong self is important so that we can make the best of what we have until a cure is found or we don’t need one anymore.
As the breadwinner in my family until recently, my wife unconsciously looked to me to take the lead on almost everything. Once she observed my physical decline, she began to fear our future herself. Even as I see the nerve damage progress and begin to drop items I am holding, I still must hold a strong self for her as well as for me.
Nothing about pain is easy. However, if young men and women can go back to active military duty – some in elite units like the Army Rangers – after enduring staggering injuries and daily pain, then I can at least continue to do my best physically and emotionally for myself and my family.
Hi Jack,
Maintaining a strong self is probably one of the most difficult aspect of any chronic stressful circumstance: pain, economic problems, diabetes, unemployment, etc. I can’t agree more. I think one of the primary goals of the blog and the Chronic Pain Management program is to help people to get control over their sense of self. The sense of personal control is a very strong driver. Thanks for your thoughts!
This was a wonderful article. I agree very much with what Jack has written as well, it can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. I hope that there might be a follow-up article coming that gives us some further tips and tricks on how to turn ourselves around when we find ourselves reeling toward the “feared self” persona!
Hi Shari. I am so glad that you found the article to be helpful! I will definitely put some thought into a follow up post.
This is well said. As a chronic migraine sufferer I can so relate to the feared self piece. I will most certainly try out the worksheet. Thank you1
Hi Karen. I am glad you found this post to be helpful. Let me know what you think of the worksheet. What do you think is the biggest fear for people with chronic migraine?
Hello;
I appreciate this article, as I have found that in 11 years of coping with RSD/CRPS, the hardest thing is the change in who I am. Although I fear the worst of the potential outcomes of this change, I am still struggling most with the discrepancy between who I was and who I am. Always believed that I was resilient, patient, positive, creative, hardworking etc etc. yet have not yet been able to bring any of those traits into concrete use in finding peace with the loss of who I was. Part of the problem is that I was actually very happy with who I was, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, despite lots of challenges (including some profound chronic health challenges) but RSD has wiped away so much of that person and I have not found a way to either stop mourning or accept what’s left as enough to justify the hard hard work it takes to keep me here. I am loved and cared for and aware of all that I have not lost but I still can’t quite get there. I do not want to be bitter, complaining (even internally), or lacking in grace, but after 11 years you would think I would be able to quit struggling against these changes and somehow accept… Any help, any suggestions with that would be very appreciated.
Hello Lilly,
I am sorry for what you have lost. Since reading your post last night, I have thought a lot about your question. It is one of the most basic for people with chronic conditions. I don’t have any easy answers. I am going to do some reading about this topic and write a blog.
It may be worth your time to talk to a professional about the process. Grief and mourning are difficult to do alone. Even though you have people who love and care for you, they may not be able to appreciate the depth of your loss or assist you in understanding and accepting what your changed life means to you. That said, one distinction that may help is to think about the difference between who you are versus what your body can do. Who you are as a person – kind, intelligent, funny, warm, etc. – is different from your physical capabilities. The traits you mention – resilient, patient, positive, creative, hardworking – need not be lost to you and they retain their value regardless of how you now express them. Further, the kind of person you are is what matters most to the people who love you. Your awareness of the dangers of bitterness and complaint will help you to avoid them while a persistent focus on what you do have and how life can still be rich, despite your RSD/CRPS, will help. I wish I could do more to help.
Hello Linda;
Thank you for your kind reply. I have been working on these issues from the start, constantly on my own, and some with proffessional help. A big part of my struggles is with the loss of my ability to create and to work (I was an artist prior to my accident, was homeschooling my children and homesteading/farming and very focused on work as an expression of self and love). I also believed strongly that what you do is the deepest expression of what you are; always told my children that if what someone says and what they do don’t “match” listen to what they do. (As in someone saying they love you but acting in a hurtful or abusive way, etc). As an artist, believed strongly in the creative spark being only the start; the work of craftsmanship being the flower (a thought is only as big as the brain cell it occupies until acted upon.)
It was a surprise to me to find that I have also resented the changes in my appearance so much; didn’t believe that my looks were much in the total of my self esteem, and yet…. It is ironic that in some ways I guess I have buried the full truth of this on going struggle, certainly from my family as much as possible (though they know me too well!) and even from the psychologist I have been working with as I feel that I have failed so badly, and do not want any of these very loving people who have given me so much to either see how badly I am failing, or feel that they have failed to help me in any way. This is about me, and my failure to adjust, but I guess I worry that those people who have supported me so strongly, and given me so much, might feel badly if they knew how much this still troubles me. I struggled with suicidal ideation for some time and no longer do (much) as I have come to believe how strongly my family want me to be here, even as I am. But these feelings have not changed, despite my commitment to living as long as my body will hold out. I guess maybe this is something there is no real “cure” for, anymore than there is a cure for RSD, and acceptance is what I just have to keep striving for. Thank you for your kind thoughts and I will look forward to reading your ideas when you post them. I am thinking about signing up for the goalistics program when we can afford to, but in the meantime, can I be notified when further postings are made, or do I just keep monitoring this site?
Hello Lilly,
I think that your belief that you have failed may be creating a real barrier for you. There is no test and thus no grade. Your psychologist can help you to examine this idea and get past it. He or she may also help you to put into perspective what you have learned to do well as far as coping and adjusting. I have seen several examples in your comments. For example, pain often makes it difficult for people to look outside of themselves and be sensitive to the needs of others. You are obviously very sensitive to the needs of others. You are very aware of the dangers of bitterness and complaint – another hurdle for people with chronic pain. And you are able to think about your RSD in the large picture of life’s meaning – an important step in moving forward. I think your therapist and your family can help you with this struggle. I hope you will give them the chance.
As far as notifications of new posts, you can sign up for emails at http://pain.goalistics.com or use the RSS on the blog site.
Linda
Thank you Linda. I will consider revisitting the issue (outside of my head), though I dread it. I appreciate your input and kindness, and will sign up for emails. I believe that the numbers of people in chronic pain are increasing, and there is so much misunderstanding and isolation in this struggle for so many; the work you do is very valuable. Thank you; Lilly
Lilly,
Best wishes to you. I hope you will make progress on this issue. Stay in touch.
Linda
I’ve always believed that I was resilient, patient, positive, creative, hardworking like Lilly. Even though the chronic pain and fatigue have disabled me I apply all my resilient, patient, positive, creative, hardworking traits to what I AM able to do. I am new to this group and found this first lesson somewhat difficult to answer. I don’t fear what if. I just do. I pace and manage activities and take meds as necessary. Just wondering if maybe I am a little past these beginning stages. I moderate a group for chronic pain and fatigue and have for many years. I tried to go to week 2 but was denied access.
Dorothy,
If you are having problems accessing week 2, please contact us at support@goalistics.com. My guess is that you may have an older version of Internet Explorer. If so, try upgrading to IE 9 for free at http://windows.microsoft.com/en-US/internet-explorer/products/ie/home
Linda
In the Course of Miracles, the belief is fear is the opposite of Love. I know looking at ones perceived fear self can be frightening. However, I do believe in the human spirit of resilency and by focusing on self love and fear self will only strengthen our future with or without having pain.