Chronic pain and depression have been found to have a “reciprocal relationship”. Pain can increase depression and depression is one of the causes of pain. If you get better control over one, you will have better control over the other. Today I want to focus on managing depression. Lately, I have been reading about the role of perfectionism in depression. Let's talk about that.
In a study by Dr. Gordon Flett and colleagues, perfectionism was described as having three features:
- High standards for yourself – you expect yourself to perform better than everyone else; mistakes or “average” performance are unacceptable to you
- High standards for others – you demand high performance from others, just as you do for yourself; other people may disappoint you if they don't share your high standards and you may find yourself getting angry at people who are not living up to your high ideals
- A belief that others demand perfection from you – you often assume that other people hold you to the same high standards that you hold yourself; you may experience a lot of anxiety and worry over whether you have disappointed others in the past or may do so in the future
Dr. Flett and his team found that perfectionism was associated with increased depression. This link was even stronger among people who had the tendency to “silence themselves”. According to Dr. Flett, self-silencing individuals:
keep their distress to themselves in an attempt to maintain or improve interpersonal relationships. Their distress often takes the form of unexpressed anger… People high in self-silencing conceal their true feelings out
of desires to maintain relationships and obtain the approval of significant others.
The combination of perfectionism and self-silencing sets the stage for helplessness and depression. It is impossible to be perfect. It is impossible to make other people be perfect. Silencing yourself is frustrating – the fear of disappointing or not mattering to others and anger at others become increasingly difficult to contain. You may become depressed and your pain may get worse.
Are You a Perfectionistic Self-Silencer?
Pain makes living life more difficult. Ask yourself if you are making chronic pain management even more difficult by maintaining high standards that are impossible to reach. Try to make an honest assessment of your standards. Are you really being fair to yourself and others in what you expect? What would happen if you loosened up a bit?
If you are a self-silencer, it can be tricky to modify this tendency. I do not suggest that you suddenly let everyone know just how disappointed and angry you are with them for not living up to your high standards. You may need to take a careful look at your perfectionism first. Once you begin to develop realistic and fair standards for yourself and others, you will have less to silence.
About the Author. Dr. Linda Ruehlman is a social/health psychologist and researcher, co-founder of Goalistics, and director of the Chronic Pain Management Program, an interactive site that helps people with chronic pain to manage their pain and live richer, more effective lives as well as Think Clearly about Depression, a self-management program for depression.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is provided as an educational and informational resource only. It is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
I found this article to hit the nail directly on the head. I keep trying to expect the same output from myself as before and it just seems to push me farther behind. I never recognized what I was doing until I read this article. Great info for my daily journal and look at how I push myself – and others.
Hi Judi,
Thanks for the feedback. I am so glad that it was helpful
My psychologist said I always try tofullfill others wish, and then
Overdo myself. I said perhaps thatsone ofthe ways that i can proove others
That i am worth.. How to overcome this? I dont think I am perfectionist…
Hi,
It is tempting to “overdo” sometimes, isn’t it? I am sure your psychologist has asked you to question the validity of overdoing as a way of proving yourself to others. You may want to try pacing yourself instead of overdoing. By pacing, you will be able to fulfill realistic obligations without overdoing. I have a few blogs about pacing. I hope you will take a look.
It is a ripe moment for me to read this as, doing a tiny bit better I have gotten involved in far more than I can actually do without a blowout. I am disabled by Migraine and I only came to the difficult point of applying for disability after years of it being true. The frustration I experience in having so much less time available to function, so it is harder if I take on more, to do it well. No one else has any idea how difficult this is.
Hi Amy,
Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself. I think one good way to circumvent the frustration is to be really clear on what matters to you. Spending your valuable time and energy wisely will help somewhat to feel good about doing more with less. A positively focused online or in-person support group can really help to reduce the isolation and the feeling that no one understands.
Best wishes,
Linda
This is a very good article. I didn’t realize that I was such a perfectionist,until I read this. I have become so isolated and depressed,as I have government based insurance,and chronic pain isn’t something they treat. I have been so overwhelmed with pain,that I had become suicidal. I became so disappointed in my friends and family,as no one even calls me. I realized,that my expections of them are probably too high,so have to think about that. I have finally secured some counseling.I have felt so invalidated,as a person,that,because of no job,I felt like I don’t have the privilege of having any pain control. Anyway,you have a great site. Thanks.Susan
hi Susan,
Dealing with chronic pain on your own can get to be very overwhelming. I am so glad that you are getting some help! Good luck to you. Linda